How can a man be so daring as to teach women how to be women? I know—this will be a confronting text. But I’d suggest keeping any reactionary feminism in check and allowing yourself to read with an open mind. There is much to be learned. Given the state of things today, some truths need to be told—urgently. Women need to learn how to be virtuous women, just as men need to learn how to be virtuous men. 

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What follows are two lessons regarding virtue. Once you’ve read and digested them, don’t miss the second section—there’s something important there as well.

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​​I

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First lesson - “How to be” or, on building Character

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“[T]he harmonious woman is endowed with wisdom and self-restraint. 

For her soul must be very wise when it comes to virtue, 

so that she will be just and courageous, 

while being sensible and beautified with self-sufficiency.”

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Let’s break that apart. 

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Harmony here means what results from congruence—a peaceful alignment between one’s inner and outer life and between one’s thoughts, feelings and actions. To achieve that, two things are essential: wisdom and self-restraint.

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Wisdom is not just knowing things—it’s the ability to discern truth from falsehood and right from wrong. Self-restraint is the mastery of one’s mind and impulses; it’s acting not out of craving or convenience but from what is right in principle.

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By practising these two traits (wisdom and self-restraint), a woman becomes virtuous in action. She is just, because her decisions are transparent, well thought out, and based on what’s right. Thus, her standing is unshakable, legitimate, and trustworthy; she is courageous and ready to defend what she stands for.  

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She remains sensible, compassionate and loving because she knows those are pillars of a good life. And because she is wise, she wants the good life, not just the easy one.

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Finally, she is beautified with self-sufficiency. As she owns herself, she knows everything she needs is already within her, cultivated through practice. She doesn’t seek completion in others, but encounters the world in freedom. She has become her most beautiful version, that of her true self.

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Second lesson - “How to behave” or, on Modesty

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“You should have a blush as a sign of modesty on your face instead of rouge, 

and goodness and the height of decorum instead of gold and emeralds. 

The woman who strives for self-restraint should not be enthusiastic about extravagance (...). 

She must trust in the beauty and wealth of her soul rather than that of her looks and possessions; 

for jealousy and sickness take away looks and possessions, 

but the beauty and wealth of the soul remain in good order even to the point of death.”

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Modesty, rather than excess, brings a sense of calm. It quiets the anxiety that comes from irrational expectations and constant comparison. It frees her from the need to prove herself better than the woman beside her—and instead, she is ready to extend her hand. There is no point in being better than you, she thinks. The battle is not with others, but with the woman I was yesterday—for today, I choose to be better than I was then.

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The wise woman knows that virtue isn’t found in extravagance but in self-possession, restraint, and quiet confidence—she doesn’t seek attention but commands respect. She must trust in the beauty and wealth of her soul; that is, her inner being, her convictions, her moral worth—herself as a self, not as an object in the world.

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She enjoys her looks and possessions; she fights not against them. But ultimately, she is willing to let them go. With a more profound understanding of beauty, she is not painfully bothered nor suffers from attacks on her self-esteem based on what she doesn’t have or how she doesn’t look. She has a relationship with her physicality that accepts outer imperfection given impossibility. But when possible, she reflects outside what’s inside: beauty—in her own way. She is not subjected to jealousy, as she finds no reasons for it; she can see through the ignorance of such a position.

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The height of decorum is the most refined form of elegance—and one that’s accessible to any woman. It refers to the highest standard of good manners, dignity, and appropriate behaviour, especially in the way she presents herself socially and morally. It is not about imposed social customs—quite the contrary. If those customs are irrational, she will stand against them.

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The beauty and wealth of her soul will remain in good order, even to the point of death. Sooner or later, when the time comes, she will face it and stand empowered before it. She will die an example. She will die with honour. She will die a woman. 

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II

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As you may have noticed, the opening paragraph of each lesson is not mine; it’s a quote. In fact, I am not the one teaching you how to be a woman. I’m just the medium. The ones doing the teaching lived over two thousand years ago. 

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Pythagoras, the Greek philosopher, founded a school called Pythagoreanism (c. 4th century BCE). His students were pioneers in mathematics, music, metaphysics, and the nature of the soul. The teachings were often secret, and you had to be initiated to belong. Remarkably for the time, the school included women as students and philosophers. They’re the ones speaking to you today. 

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Theano, Melissa, Kleareta, and others left behind a compendium of teachings on how to be a virtuous woman, how to run a household, raise children, and live with dignity in marriage. These texts were written during one of the most intellectually fertile moments in human history—when Plato and Aristotle walked the streets of Athens and logic, ethics, astronomy, and mathematics were born. 

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What survives of these teachings is a handful of letters written by women and for women, in an age when most female voices went unheard. Five of them resurfaced during the Renaissance but were largely ignored. An influential treatise was also found: On the Harmonious Woman by Perictione.

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Only recently have scholars begun to take these findings seriously. But maybe that’s not the point. These letters don’t belong to academia alone—they belong to anyone ready to live with depth, virtue, and harmony. Perhaps, after all this time, they’ve come back for a reason.

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P.S. Here’s some literature on the matter; 

1. Twomey, Rosemary. “Pythagorean Women and the Domestic as a Philosophical Topic.” In Ancient Women Philosophers: Recovered Ideas and New Perspectives, 134–151. Cambridge: Cambridge University Press, 2023. 

2. Huizenga, Annette Bourland. “The Pythagorean Letter Collection.” In Moral Education for Women in the Pastoral and Pythagorean Letters, 31–75. Leiden: Brill, 2013.